Harbus

Issue date: 11/5/07 Section: Humor

No, this article is not a study of avian evolution, a treatise on bird reproduction or even a paper investigating turkey migratory patterns (my days of publishing actual academic research are over, much to the joy of the scientific community). I'm concerned with, or at least bemused by, the recent explosion of the on-campus turkey population from zero to at least two. Where, at risk of repeating myself, did they come from?

It is possible that the turkeys are here seeking sanctuary. As suspected political dissidents, threatened with execution and a horrific post-mortem ritual around November 23rd, they fled into the welcome arms of the HBS community much as those suffering persecution throughout history have sought protection at institutions of higher learning for centuries. (Or was that churches? The steeple bit of Baker Library may have confused them). Of course, they can still rely on the traditional liberal politics of academia coupled with the moral fiber demonstrated by eschewing a life of personal gain in order to further the knowledge and wellbeing of the entire human race. With that in mind, somebody may want to suggest that they nip over the river to KSG, where within a week they will have a nationwide press campaign devoted to their safety (as long as it provides some good photo-ops). Here they are only safe until someone works out the NPV of the purchase of a good stout ax and some gravy.

It is doubtful that, like many of us, the turkeys are here to find rich husbands, International-style squash courts or decent sushi. Perhaps they were attracted by an enviable tunnel system, hyper-efficient security guards and myriad Purell dispensers. It even is possible that they appreciate the fine architecture, manicured lawns and 24-hour access to Bloomberg terminals that we take for granted. On the other hand, given the ridiculously restrictive rules around serving alcohol on campus they are definitely not here for the parties. (Very few turkeys are teetotal. Fact). They are also unlikely to be attracted by the opportunities to do the same company valuation fifteen times with slightly different tax rates, get confused by the different shaped symbols on game theory tress and hear three different professors in one day name-drop about how close they are to Bill Gates. But I digress.

A more sinister explanation is that the turkeys are here as spies, gathering intelligence on our every move while pretending to peck at leftover quesadilla crusts (the cheese never goes quite to the edge, does it?). Of course, trying to do so whilst hanging out between Burden hall and the SFP laundry shows all the intelligence of a slightly stupid potato, as we all know that nothing interesting ever happens round there. Although maybe it is a good vantage point to check up on the late-night goings-on at the taxi stand, were a turkey to come equipped with night-vision binoculars.

Continued...

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